I have a small, independent publication called “Burrito.” In it I write a humor column. This column, in particular, was written shortly after completing the “Elfin Awesome” strip. I thought it may be fun to post. – JS

RPG’s are quite popular among humans. There are, however, some humans who do not understand the appeal and/or the exact nature of RPG’s. I am in the latter camp. Nevertheless, I feel it is my duty to answer some RPG questions.

Please understand that I have no background in RPG’s, no degree whatsoever, and I’m not all that smart to begin with. But without anyone else on hand to answer the questions, I will fill in. Who asked the questions? Coincidentally, there was no one on hand for that task either so I will fill in there as well.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Q: What is an RPG?
A: RPG stands for Role Playing Game. An RPG is a game where a person plays as a character which is either human or fantasy-humanoid or a hybrid thereof. Players can also be animals or animal/human hybrids or animal/fantasy-humanoid hybrids or animal/fantasy-humanoid/human hybrids (tribrids?). Whatever the combo, the human plays the role of the character in that character’s world.

Q: What are of fantasy-humanoids?
A: Fantasy-humanoids include, but are not limited to: gnomes, elves, fairies, pixies, dwarfs, and leprechauns.

Q: What is the difference between them?
A: A gnome has a beard and an elf has pointy ears. Fairies too have pointy ears but are smaller than elves yet bigger than pixies who may or may not have ears at all. Dwarfs are like gnomes but enjoy gardening less yet still enjoy being bearded. Leprechauns have pointy ears and beards and are small like fairies but do not fly. Few characters are Leprechaun-based because they like to punch with their miniscule fists instead of using a sword.

Q: Why don’t I ever see male fairies? Are all fairies female?
A: Male fairies are rare because they are attacked and eaten by female fairies immediately after mating.

Q: Can my character be a unicorn?
A: In spite of their horn, unicorns do not fight well and fighting is what most RPG characters are used for. You may want to create a centaur-unicorn hybrid.

Q: What if I just want a unicorn? How may I obtain one?
A: In this day and age, a unicorn can be purchased only on the black market at a price of around $7,000. Unfortunately, because it is illegal to traffic unicorns from the fantasy world into this one, most hunters deliver knock-offs – common white mares with a horn surgically attached to the skull with screws.

Q: Do I have to buy various multi-sided dice?
A: No. Buy one die with about a thousand different sides and make a chart subdividing that one die for many different purposes. A die with this many sides is also called a “ball”.

Q: When can I start playing?
A: Begin playing right now! Make up a character and make your character do things. Example: Roll your dice and pay me the that amount of dollars. Then do it again. See how fun! Your character is purchasing “points” which will make it stronger. Make that character strong in deed!

Q: Where do I send all this money to?
A: Send it to:
Jason Salas
P.O. Box 22
Las Cruces, NM 88004

Cash and money orders accepted. No checks please.

© 2009 Jason Salas

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This entry was posted on Friday, October 16th, 2009 at 6:14 am and is filed under Humor Column. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.