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Humor Column: Revenge of the Cavenerd

December 15th, 2009

By Jason Salas (as seen in the zine “BURRITO”)

You may be asking yourself, “What is a cavenerd?” By asking that question, you essentially make yourself a cavenerd. It all makes sense!
We know that a caveman:
a) does not wear glasses
b) is not so smart
c) has large eyebrows
And that a nerd:
a) wears glasses
b) is smart
c) sometimes has large eyebrows
Because some nerds have large eyebrows, we can deduce that they have caveman ancestry. Yet they are so different. How can this be? Since there were no malls in caveman days, we know that there were no glasses shops – no glasses shops = no glasses. A caveman with bad eyesight would have to figure out ways to survive i.e., get smart i.e., evolve into a nerd.
Whoa! We just solved one of the mysteries of the universe. This is because we’re nerds. Let’s continue.
So let’s think about the evolution of the cavenerd (or us). Back in the older olden days, cavemen relied on their keen eyesight to spot prey such as wooly mammoths and T-rexes and other rexes. If a caveman had bad eyesight, he couldn’t make out such creatures. He would look at the wooly mammoth and think “Oh, a large moving couch. I will sit upon it.” And when he tried, the wooly mammoth would eat him. This is called demise of the not-fittest. Our myopic caveman would need to find a way to not get into such a situation in order to live and breed more. His lack of vision would force his brain to grow and transform him into a cavenerd.
With the luxury of prehistoric history books, we know that cavenerds invented such things as “tools” and “fire” and “money” in order to survive. Today, we see the modern-day manifestation of those items:
• Tools = Computers
• Fire = Software
• Money = Random Access Memory
Over the course of billions of years, that old cavenerd who sat in a dark, isolated cave and tried to figure out how to survive in a world full of ruffians has evolved into the modern day nerd who sits in a dark, isolated mom’s basement and tries to figure out how to operate in a world full of ruffians.

You may be asking yourself, “What is a cavenerd?” By asking that question, you essentially make yourself a cavenerd. It all makes sense!

Revenge of the Cavenerd by Jason SalasWe know that a caveman:

  • does not wear glasses
  • is not so smart
  • has large eyebrows

And that a nerd:

  • wears glasses
  • is smart
  • sometimes has large eyebrows

Because some nerds have large eyebrows, we can deduce that they have caveman ancestry. Yet they are so different. How can this be? Since there were no malls in caveman days, we know that there were no glasses shops – no glasses shops = no glasses. A caveman with bad eyesight would have to figure out ways to survive i.e., get smart i.e., evolve into a nerd.

Whoa! We just solved one of the mysteries of the universe. This is because we’re nerds. Let’s continue.

So let’s think about the evolution of the cavenerd (or us). Back in the older olden days, cavemen relied on their keen eyesight to spot prey such as wooly mammoths and T-rexes and other rexes. If a caveman had bad eyesight, he couldn’t make out such creatures. He would look at the wooly mammoth and think “Oh, a large moving couch. I will sit upon it.” And when he tried, the wooly mammoth would eat him. This is called demise of the not-fittest. Our myopic caveman would need to find a way to not get into such a situation in order to live and breed more. His lack of vision would force his brain to grow and transform him into a cavenerd.

With the luxury of prehistoric history books, we know that cavenerds invented such things as “tools” and “fire” and “money” in order to survive. Today, we see the modern-day manifestation of those items:

  • Tools = Computers
  • Fire = Software
  • Money = Random Access Memory

Over the course of billions of years, that old cavenerd who sat in a dark, isolated cave and tried to figure out how to survive in a world full of ruffians has evolved into the modern day nerd who sits in a dark, isolated mom’s basement and tries to figure out how to operate in a world full of ruffians.

© 2010 Jason Salas

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 at 6:59 am and is filed under Blog..., Humor Column. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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