I have a small, independent publication called “Burrito.” In it I write a humor column. This column, in particular, was written shortly after completing the “Elfin Awesome” strip. I thought it may be fun to post. – JS

RPG’s are quite popular among humans. There are, however, some humans who do not understand the appeal and/or the exact nature of RPG’s. I am in the latter camp. Nevertheless, I feel it is my duty to answer some RPG questions.

Please understand that I have no background in RPG’s, no degree whatsoever, and I’m not all that smart to begin with. But without anyone else on hand to answer the questions, I will fill in. Who asked the questions? Coincidentally, there was no one on hand for that task either so I will fill in there as well.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Q: What is an RPG?
A: RPG stands for Role Playing Game. An RPG is a game where a person plays as a character which is either human or fantasy-humanoid or a hybrid thereof. Players can also be animals or animal/human hybrids or animal/fantasy-humanoid hybrids or animal/fantasy-humanoid/human hybrids (tribrids?). Whatever the combo, the human plays the role of the character in that character’s world.

Q: What are of fantasy-humanoids?
A: Fantasy-humanoids include, but are not limited to: gnomes, elves, fairies, pixies, dwarfs, and leprechauns.

Q: What is the difference between them?
A: A gnome has a beard and an elf has pointy ears. Fairies too have pointy ears but are smaller than elves yet bigger than pixies who may or may not have ears at all. Dwarfs are like gnomes but enjoy gardening less yet still enjoy being bearded. Leprechauns have pointy ears and beards and are small like fairies but do not fly. Few characters are Leprechaun-based because they like to punch with their miniscule fists instead of using a sword.

Q: Why don’t I ever see male fairies? Are all fairies female?
A: Male fairies are rare because they are attacked and eaten by female fairies immediately after mating.

Q: Can my character be a unicorn?
A: In spite of their horn, unicorns do not fight well and fighting is what most RPG characters are used for. You may want to create a centaur-unicorn hybrid.

Q: What if I just want a unicorn? How may I obtain one?
A: In this day and age, a unicorn can be purchased only on the black market at a price of around $7,000. Unfortunately, because it is illegal to traffic unicorns from the fantasy world into this one, most hunters deliver knock-offs – common white mares with a horn surgically attached to the skull with screws.

Q: Do I have to buy various multi-sided dice?
A: No. Buy one die with about a thousand different sides and make a chart subdividing that one die for many different purposes. A die with this many sides is also called a “ball”.

Q: When can I start playing?
A: Begin playing right now! Make up a character and make your character do things. Example: Roll your dice and pay me the that amount of dollars. Then do it again. See how fun! Your character is purchasing “points” which will make it stronger. Make that character strong in deed!

Q: Where do I send all this money to?
A: Send it to:
Jason Salas
P.O. Box 22
Las Cruces, NM 88004

Cash and money orders accepted. No checks please.

© 2009 Jason Salas

By Jason Salas (as seen in the zine “BURRITO”)

You may be asking yourself, “What is a cavenerd?” By asking that question, you essentially make yourself a cavenerd. It all makes sense!

We know that a caveman:

• does not wear glasses
• is not so smart
• has large eyebrows

And that a nerd:

• wears glasses
• is smart
• sometimes has large eyebrows

Because some nerds have large eyebrows, we can deduce that they have caveman ancestry. Yet they are so different. How can this be? Since there were no malls in caveman days, we know that there were no glasses shops – no glasses shops = no glasses. A caveman with bad eyesight would have to figure out ways to survive i.e., get smart i.e., evolve into a nerd.

Whoa! We just solved one of the mysteries of the universe. This is because we’re nerds. Let’s continue.

So let’s think about the evolution of the cavenerd (or us). Back in the older olden days, cavemen relied on their keen eyesight to spot prey such as wooly mammoths and T-rexes and other rexes. If a caveman had bad eyesight, he couldn’t make out such creatures. He would look at the wooly mammoth and think “Oh, a large moving couch. I will sit upon it.” And when he tried, the wooly mammoth would eat him. This is called demise of the not-fittest. Our myopic caveman would need to find a way to not get into such a situation in order to live and breed more. His lack of vision would force his brain to grow and transform him into a cavenerd.

With the luxury of prehistoric history books, we know that cavenerds invented such things as “tools” and “fire” and “money” in order to survive. Today, we see the modern-day manifestation of those items:

• Tools = Computers
• Fire = Software
• Money = Random Access Memory

Over the course of billions of years, that old cavenerd who sat in a dark, isolated cave and tried to figure out how to survive in a world full of ruffians has evolved into the modern day nerd who sits in a dark, isolated mom’s basement and tries to figure out how to operate in a world full of ruffians.

© 2010 Jason Salas

By Jason Salas

Like most people, I saw the movie “Avatar” and drooled over the astonishing special effects. I marveled at the fact that a movie like that could even be made. But it just occurred to me that the forecast was not that in 2010 we would not be just watching movies about making contact but actually making contact. Hence the title of the film “2010: The Year We Make Contact.”

So why have we not made contact? I see three reasons:

1. We don’t have adequate spaceships technology
2. We don’t have enough fuel to propel the spaceships we don’t have the technology to build
3. We don’t know where to look

Note: Some folks argue that we don’t have enough money to fund space travel. This is a silly notion. It’s not like money is some sort of scarce element that needs to be mined (Avatar reference). If an alien ship were to visit earth and drop $100 trillion dollars out of the sky, it wouldn’t advance space travel research but would only screw up the value of the dollar [even more so]. But then if an alien would do that, we would have essentially made contact and thus negate the need for money to do such. Ain’t that a rub.

For now, let’s just unpack the three reasons:

Reason #1: We don’t have adequate spaceship technology. We think that, as earthlings, we’re so intelligent that we want to find more intelligent life to invite to dinner parties and collectively complain about the state of the universe and impress each other with stories of vacations on distant planets. But we’re not that intelligent. We can’t even go to other planets in our own solar system. This is a case of sociological survival of the fittest at the galactic level: if we can’t figure out how to get invited to the party, we don’t belong there. Also, we can’t borrow dad’s car in this case so, oh well.

Reason #2: We don’t have enough fuel to propel the spaceships we don’t have the technology to build. Even if we had a spaceship that could make the flight, how is it powered? To haul enough rocket fuel to get us to another solar system would require a spaceship too big to power it with mere rocket fuel. And we can’t use solar panels because we’d be flying away from the sun. We need something that can get us up to the speed of light and keep us there for years. Did somebody say “warp”? If we can’t even figure out how to build the ship, what makes us think that we can somehow figure out how to warp space and time? And if we could, how would we know our ship could handle it? One galactic “flat tire” and we’d be done for. Who would we call for help? There are no cell phone towers in space and I’m pretty sure AAA doesn’t service that sector.

Reason #3: We don’t know where to look. This is by far the biggest reason. Why build the ship to begin with if we don’t know where to point it? Space is big. It’s not like going to the mall to find a nice pair of pants, we can’t just browse around. And what if we found a planet with “intelligent” life on it? Think about how we find friends now. We don’t randomly knock on peoples’ doors in hopes that the guy who answers shares our particular hopes and dreams. He may be some psycho who’ll shoot us with his shotgun for being on his property. Imagine that at a planetary level.

Do I want to find intelligent life on other planets? Not really. There are intelligent beings on this planet I have yet to meet. And, to be honest, the movies about making contact are fun and fill that curious void. And also, if I’m being honest, I think alien life might smell like body odor.